In the past few weeks I've been giving the whole online dating thing another shot. The last few times I've tried it, I've gone into it with the gung ho determination of finding a serious relationship immediately – and have been sordidly disappointed when in fact that didn't happen even a little bit. On this round of giving it a shot, I've adopted the stance that I would simply like to meet some interesting people and go do some fun things that I might otherwise not have done.

Like go on a date with a deaf girl...

Jim Croce has a song called, “And I remember her.” It's a song about being with a woman whose language you don't speak. One of the lyrics is, “We passed away the hours, talking with our eyes and laughing because I spoke not her language. Still I remember her: we understood completely.” After my date with someone who didn't speak my language – and whose language I barely speak – I'm 90% sure that Jim Croce never actually had this experience, but really just WANTED to have a romantic evening with a Parisian hottie.

Out of respect for my date, I'll change her name to Anna. I found her profile on OKCupid and noticed that she had “sign language” listed as something she speaks fluently. Very few people actually speak sign language fluently – and most of those who do are deaf. As a hearing person who used to say he was fluent in sign language – I made the assumption that she too was a hearing person who just spoke sign language “pretty well.” My general strategy with writing women on dating sites is to find something uncommon in their profile and message them about that. I personally find it much more interesting when I receive a message from someone that asks me a really smart question rather than one that says, “Hey, I like your pic. U seem cool. Lol!”

My first message to her was something along the lines of, “I took four years of sign language and am pretty sure I couldn't hold my own in a conversation with a deaf four year old. How is it that you speak sign language fluently, did you go to Gallaudet?” (Gallaudet being the all-in-sign university in Washington DC.) Yes, indeed she did go to Gallaudet, she told me. She started to lose here hearing at 4, and was completely deaf by 13. At some point in her teenage years, she had a cochlear implant put in (a super-hearing aid) and it has been working great for her ever since.

Cochlear implants are a very commonly discussed topic in the deaf community. If you're interested in seeing a fascinating movie about deafness, and the culture war within the community about the use of implants – check out the film The Sound and The Fury.

Anyway – I made the assumption that because she grew up hearing, had “English” listed as a language she spoke fluently, and was meeting guys on a mainstream dating site (as opposed to a specialized dating site for the deaf community, such as Deaf Passions) that our date would be done primarily in English. We might greet each other in sign language, and I might say a few things in sign here and there to show of my multilingual prowess – but aside from the fact that it would be an interesting topic for conversation, her deafness wouldn't be a hurdle.

In all fairness – I have a feeling she assumed I was downplaying my own ability to sign. At one point in time (such as when I was a student of sign language) I probably could have done on an entire date in sign. My old girlfriend Carolyn took sign language as well, and she and I would frequently sign when in public and had something we needed to say privately – and we would also sit on the couch and have conversations that way from time to time for fun.

I recognized Anna as she walked into the Starbucks. She looked just like she did in her pictures (which is more rare than it should be. My friend Rob has told me countless stories of going on date with a woman and only finding out once they arrive that their profile picture was taken 15 years earlier.)

“Hi Anna, nice to meet you,” I said when she sat down at the table. She smiled brightly and kind of shrugged her shoulders. “How are you doing?” I asked a little hesitantly. She smiled again.

“Oh no...” I thought. This was not quite what I was expecting.

“How are you?” I signed. “I'm good, nice to meet you,” she signed and said simultaneously. Her spoken English was a bit louder than a whisper – and quite difficult to understand. I'm not sure how much easier it would have been if we had been in a quiet location – but no less, it became clear very quickly that I was not going to be able to rely on her speaking for communication.

“Do you read lips at all?” I asked (in sign) early on. “Not really,” she told me. So – I can't rely on her speaking, and she can't rely on mine. As it occurred to me that this meant I was going to have to actually sign the entire time, I noticed I'd already finished half of my coffee. I needed to calm down. My level of nervousness wasn't going to get me anywhere.

Anna is an American Sign Language (ASL) teacher. She teaches second semester in one of the two programs where I did my ASL training. I tried to keep reminding myself, “she's a teacher – she'll be patient with you.” But still, I was trying to say things as quickly as possible to look proficient and not slow the conversation down to a beginners-grind – though my sloppy speed translated into the deaf equivalent of mumbling.

One thing that kept surprising me was how distracting it was for me to try to sign something while I had something in my mouth (like ice.) Vocal speakers are so used to opening their mouth when they want to express something – it's hard to turn that off even when you're speaking only with your hands. (A piece of ice may or may not have fallen out of my mouth at one point. Anna pretended not to notice.)

I realized at some point that if this was going to be a successful interaction whatsoever – I needed to put everything I've ever learned about dating off to the side and just try to talk to her. It is absolutely impossible to try and seem suave, or to build a sense of mystery and excitement when you're struggling to say basic words. Very quickly, I found myself telling her things that I would never say on a first date – simply because I knew how to say them. She asked where I worked, and within a few sentences I was telling her about my 401(k) simply because I knew how to sign “401(k).” I told her I'm the youngest of four and left it at that, simply because explaining that I have one full sibling, one half sibling, and one semi-adopted sibling would have done nothing but confuse both of us. I told her my sister Maggie is “a theater” and my sister Marja is a doctor (the sign for nurse and doctor are almost identical – and I realized I'd said the wrong one too late to go back and correct myself.) She asked what my favorite TV show was and I signed, “Dexter.” I asked her what hers was and after saying three times what I thought to be “My Thbustrs,” she pulled out her cellphone and typed “Mythbusters,” onto the screen and held it in front of me.

I told her I love baseball – and she signed “You Boston?” I signed “Yes. Who you?” Verbally she said, “So sorry,” and signed “Yankee.” I shook my fist at her. That is not an official ASL sign, but it is universally understood to mean what I intended it to mean. She told me she played softball for Gallaudet, and I did a terrible job of explaining that I played baseball in college – one season at The University of East Anglia in England. She asked if I played for UofA – I tried to say “I wish,” but said “I love.”

We talked for a little over an hour. The lulls in conversation where we'd just sit looking at each other until I'd get uncomfortable with the fact that I couldn't think of any words that I hadn't already used grew longer and more frequent. I noticed her looking at my watch at one point and she commented that it was very nice. I took this opportunity to look at it too, and say that I needed to get going.

She looked disappointed. I'm sure she was disappointed. While the date was a frustrating experience for me, as it was a completely new phenomenon to try and impress a woman without being able to rely on my mastery of language, what must be exponentially MORE frustrating for Anna is that she probably has to deal with communication barriers like this (or worse) on every single date she goes on. I am definitely curious why she has chosen to use a mainstream dating site instead of one tailored towards the deaf – but after one date where we barely even got through introductions, I have not earned the right to ask her that question.

Before the date, I'd heard people say things like, “I could never date someone who is deaf” and saw that as being similar to, “I could never date someone who is black.” It seemed like an offensive concept – why should that matter? And in a sense, it doesn't matter. Deafness on its own shouldn't prevent me or anyone from being with someone. But an inability to communicate effectively – whether it be deafness or any other form of a barrier – will stifle any relationship before it even has a chance to get off the ground.